A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the
little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....
And before he could say 'Fookoff', the Rottweiler ate him.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
AND MAXINE SAYS.......... 'MARVIN'
Wipe your mouth, theres still a tiny bit
of bullshit around your lips....
Maxine just had to have the last word.
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I' m late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'wha t do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
i could see ya,, thought i would let ya post away tho
haha so ya found me
i know ya here!
er... nope by that time I WAS in bed
you was showing on line till after 2am,,, see ya just cant get enough of me can ya!
spect it took time to update tony
I was in bed, checks alarm clock.....
na,, you was keepin an eye on me,, i know ya was
was trying to get the last post in, pretty hard thing to do eh tone lol
i been trained by the best!
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said,
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
had to be you who found this joke didnt it!!!
can you spare £2?
zani is a 9 year old boy living in namibia
He has only one leg, he has lost one butt cheak and also one arm, yet each day he rides 9 miles to school along road down a step hill with pot holes and bomb craters from land mines on hid bicycle with one bent wheel and one oval wheel, it has no brakes and also only has one pedal,
for just £2
we will send you the video, its fookin hilarious!
you tight sod lol
i wouldnt be where i am today if i wasnt!
Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the f oreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."
"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
"IÃ,,Ã,,Å¾Ã,d take half then leave you."
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won Ten Dollars.
HereÃ,,Ã,,Å¾Ã,s a Fiver Ã,,Ã,€€œ Now Fuck Off!!!
Subject: Newspaper Adverts
These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father,
Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer
needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
26 ways to keep your girl happy
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for pu@*ies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F@c@ you" and grab the other girl's a*Z. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a se*y cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Ti*ty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't cal
Hell to be old!!!
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the
jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with My left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth
in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first
with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
her Knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over.After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Baptizing the Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle.
We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
When I first noticed that my penis was growing longer
And staying erect longer,
I was delighted, as was my wife...
But after several weeks, my penis
had grown fifty centimetres.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and
Even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an Initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My Condition (Donkey Doodle,) could be fixed through corrective
'How Long will he be on crutches?' my wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' Said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't
A man goes to a masquerade party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman.'
'But you're only wearing a glass jar!' says the woman.
'Exactly! In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
This guy had what he thought was a great tattoo...
until he went to jail that is lol
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the
space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
It's called a Wedding Cake.
men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women
who can handle the bullsh*t
Polar Bear Attack
Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada.
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.
These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
A new poem by Pam Ayres
With Love From Me To You
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
Age and treachery!
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 42 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 42 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP
CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT
EVERY NIGHT I GOT TO SLEEP WITH A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA
SCREEN TV, BUT NOW I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN!
SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND ME A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD
MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT,
DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK
AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE A MID-LIFE CRISIS
Well I just read most of those. Sure made me chortle, where on earth do you find them?
glad you enjoyed the posts
makes life better if we can have a laugh don't you think so....
off down in the dungeons of my PC to find some more lol
MEN NEVER LISTEN
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN!!
Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
*My Private Part Died Today!*
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Darlene asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Darlene," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Darlene.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that..
Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas."
But, Nurse Darlene," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas ?"
*You gotta love this! !!!!!!! !!!!*
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing." (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v673/Zippy_63/1580468j19m0wxvya.gif)
What credit crunch
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn ' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
What does a ..Muslim Pussy
really look like?
Oh, come on! What were you thinking?
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No honey. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted Her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden' she said.
A very loud, large, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into KMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance and whining about having to bring them shopping at all.
The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The fat, ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they aren't bloody twins, you moron. The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'
'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!' (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v673/Zippy_63/1580468j19m0wxvya.gif)
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your Fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!'
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!' (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v673/Zippy_63/1580468j19m0wxvya.gif)
One day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!
There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...
This is a true story reported on CNN.
Andy Hume wrote:
Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Daddy, How was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said
You'll love this
You have male!!!
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly
tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were
finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling.
Ones feet are killing one'.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. . . .
but it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'
Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! but it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got' she cried
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed
'There! Oh god that feels so good.'
In the bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said ' See
I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other she when he cried out 'Oh god darling this ones even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'that's my boy,
once a navy man always a navy man!' (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v673/Zippy_63/1580468j19m0wxvya.gif)
Many 'Old Folk' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how they should present themselves. Feeling 'young' , they try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a zimmer
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
To this the man politly replied.....
They forgot the German bra.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
A man from New York was on vacation hiking through the Highlands of Cape Breton.
He came upon the nicest and tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
''Anybody home?'' he asked.
''Yep, I'm here'' came a kid's voice through the door.
''Is your father there?'' asked the New York tourist.
''Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,'' said the kid.
''Well, is your mother there?'' persisted the tourist.
''Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,'' said the kid.
''But,'' protested the Yankee, ''are you never together as a family, I'd like to meet your family?''
''Sure, anytime, but not here,'' said the kid through the door, ''This is the shithouse.''
Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
The wife asked: 'What the fook are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 20
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Frank, for the FIFTH FUCKIN time, CHICKEN!'
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he would jog past a hooker standing on the same street
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence He'd
run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband' on
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder wha t
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better
have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's
eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
pounds, you tight bastard?!'
THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
THE FRENCH AND THE ENGLISHMAN
Make sure you scroll down to the Map after you read the joke! Watch and
wait for the little Englishman to walk across the Map.
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble)
'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England '
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the
jam to England '
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France '
My grandmother died in 1978, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs, like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x. Billy just
sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you
watching?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what
do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. ..
See what happens if you sleep around.......
It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!
Her Name is Debra !
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.' The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed'
The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog.'
The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'
The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'
The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,
'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'
The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog'
The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'
The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua! They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?????
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the
end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, 'but for a million pounds
you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.. ..... will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'Oi'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
'Oi haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so Oi'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Bloody hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple....... it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm bloody sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'Oi'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then Chris Tarrant screamed, 'Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to the ir local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo dat doesn't
build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a bloody clock!'
DO YOU EAT CADBURY CHOCOLATE?
We were raised on Cadbury chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat Cadbury chocolate!
THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!
It could happen to you, your family and friends!!
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three=2 0flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE..........
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
TRIP TO WAL-MART
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore..
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the Day!
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .....
"Shit, I missed."
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked...
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Thats it for today.....
To make it stand,
You wet it.
To make it wet,
You suck it.
To make it stiff,
You lick it.
To get it in,
You push it.
Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves...
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long s kirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on... BTW - These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do it?
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even cl ose! r. He t ripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright ! light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well", said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch
DID YOU KNOW
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
LOL, except I don't know what clorox is! Is it a baby thing?
Quote from: Mikey'JLOL, except I don't know what clorox is! Is it a baby thing?
I was just thinking Ã,,Ã,€¹€œWhat the hell is CloroxÃ,,Ã,,Å¾Ã, while reading the joke
Quote from: KIB
Quote from: Mikey'JLOL, except I don't know what clorox is! Is it a baby thing?
I was just thinking Ã,,Ã,€¹€œWhat the hell is CloroxÃ,,Ã,,Å¾Ã, while reading the joke
Clorox is just a bleach.... and yes, it does work
Bleach! Thanks, then IÃ,,Ã,,Å¾Ã,ll try it some day!!
Quote from: Mikey'JLOL, except I don't know what clorox is! Is it a baby thing?
Better not use Clorox on babies then Mike
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m.., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh fook' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Four german Dwarfs went to Amsterdam's red light district and hired a six foot tall prostitute..
They went to there hotel room,stripped off ,tied springs to there feet and gave her the best shag ever!!!
Its what's known in the business as
THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE
THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then
one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her... "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He
slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now
take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"and Now take off my thong and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said........
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
Some funnies in these times of crisis...
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic.
Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the
hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's
stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and
set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the
credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist
asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40
gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of
the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
You know it's a credit crunch when...
The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
Highgrove has been repossessed.
Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world
economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could
throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very
happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five
£10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says:
'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten
people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and
says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole
"Handwritten in ornate calligraphy using only the finest quality ink, on
50 year old parchment, made from the trees along the Zambezi River, sealed
with the finest wax from the African honey bee - this is not just any
redundancy letter, this is an M&S redundancy letter"
It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today John asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. John asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason John keeps counting to ten.
John's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John.
If I can talk John into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Doing the right thing
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl. 'Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll make sure that everything is taken care of. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life, and also donate £100,000 to your bank account.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £1,000,000 bank account, plus another £100,000 to your account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £1,500,000 each, with another £500,000 to your account.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent up to that point, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You shag her again'.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery
knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say...
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk...
how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk...
The man sets about his task.
Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are=2 0371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON 'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Thats it for today.....
I think with all that ammo you should do standup! Some of those tickled me.
Thank you Mickey
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
the king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
She will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked
his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little
Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,'
the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye
got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya
0you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says
Ã,,Ã,€¹€œI have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want...
a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On
the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the
little guy says. 'I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know
And tell me, how's yer money
'Why, it's just
wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.
'And tell me, how's yer sex
The golfer blushes, turns his head away
in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's
c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job. How many times a
Blushing even more, the
golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not
bad for a Catholic priest in a
paula i just love to pop in here and have a read
only just got to the end
Glad you enjoyed it
I just read through them again, don't remember posting half of them lol
I'm amazed you had so many to write down. Are they in your head or have you got reference material? Some of them are mega funny though