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Author Topic: Just a giggle...  (Read 45800 times)

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2009, 19:55:04 PM »
Polar Bear Attack

Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada.  

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.

These pictures were taken  while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!

Reports  from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a  full recovery.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2009, 19:56:28 PM »
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2009, 19:58:32 PM »
A new poem by Pam Ayres
With Love From Me To You  

 Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
                  By Pam Ayres
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
 Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
 Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
 It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
 And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
 When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
 And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
 I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
 When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
 When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
 Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
 From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
 Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
 When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
 Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
 Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
 I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
 When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
 When people see less of them rather than more,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


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Just a giggle...
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2009, 19:59:56 PM »
Age and treachery!



Offline Mikey J

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #34 on: February 12, 2009, 00:41:45 AM »
Well I just read most of those. Sure made me chortle, where on earth do you find them?


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Just a giggle...
« Reply #35 on: February 12, 2009, 08:16:54 AM »
glad you enjoyed the posts

makes life better if we can have a laugh  don't you think so....

off down in the dungeons of my PC to find some more lol


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #36 on: February 12, 2009, 08:23:00 AM »

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he  promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.  Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your  pillow."



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« Reply #37 on: February 12, 2009, 08:24:35 AM »

Importance of Walking
    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $7000 per month.

     My grandpa started walking
     five miles a day when he was 60..
     Now he's 97 years old
     and we don't know where he is.
     I like long walks,
     especially when they are taken
     by people who annoy me.
     The only reason I would take up walking
     is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
     I have to walk early in the morning,
     before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     I joined a health club last year,
     spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     Apparently you have to go there.
     Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
     I do have flabby thighs,
     but fortunately my stomach covers them.

     The advantage of exercising every day
     is so when you die, they'll say,
     'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
     If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
     start with a small country.
     I know I got a lot of exercise
     the last few years,......
     just getting over the hill.
    We all get heavier as we get older,
     because there's a lot more information in our heads.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

     Every time I start thinking too much
     about how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
     and by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #38 on: February 12, 2009, 08:31:54 AM »
*My Private Part Died Today!*

 An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
 One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Darlene asked if there was anything wrong.
 "Yes, Nurse Darlene," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
 Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
 "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
 The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Darlene.
 "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that..
 Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas."
 But, Nurse Darlene," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
 "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas ?"
 *You gotta love this! !!!!!!! !!!!*

 "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."    


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Just a giggle...
« Reply #39 on: February 12, 2009, 10:15:50 AM »
 What credit crunch  

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  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #40 on: February 12, 2009, 10:18:48 AM »
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he   kept in the hen house behind the church.  

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.  
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'  
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock?'  

All the women stood up.

  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn ' t belong to them?'  
Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant.  Has anybody seen MY
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2009, 10:19:30 AM by Zippy »


  • Guest
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« Reply #41 on: February 12, 2009, 10:23:49 AM »
What does a ..Muslim Pussy
       really look like?

Oh, come on!   What were you thinking?  




  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #42 on: February 12, 2009, 10:25:36 AM »
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she  found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.  Outraged,  she immediately calls  in the doctor.  'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my  operation!'  The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:  'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'  'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me  in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He  wanted to thank you for his new ears.'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #43 on: February 12, 2009, 10:30:41 AM »
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He  smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought  about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  

Suddenly  she just stopped and stared at the  ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a  cute and innocent question he replied,  'No honey.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted Her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden' she said.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2009, 10:33:44 AM »
A very loud,  large, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into KMart with her two  kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way  through the entrance and whining about having to bring them shopping at all.
The door  greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice  children you have there. Are they twins?'

The fat, ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course  they aren't bloody twins, you moron. The oldest is nine and the youngest is  seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do  you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

'Absolutely  not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone  would want to shag you  twice!'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #45 on: February 12, 2009, 10:35:58 AM »
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.  The Taliban asked,  'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that.   If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.  It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your Fucking  brother won't let me in without a tie!'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2009, 10:41:26 AM »

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
 Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
 Preparing to write a cheque,
 She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
 And tries to write with it.
 When she realizes her mistake,
 She looks at the flabbergasted teller
 And without missing a beat, she says:
 'Well, that's great....that's just great....

  Some asshole's got my pen!'  
« Last Edit: February 12, 2009, 10:42:14 AM by Zippy »


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« Reply #47 on: February 14, 2009, 08:48:39 AM »

One day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!

There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN.

Andy Hume wrote:

Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #48 on: February 14, 2009, 09:06:16 AM »
The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #49 on: February 14, 2009, 09:07:38 AM »

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
 'fascinate' in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.

 The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
 was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
 the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
 Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
 The teacher sat down and cried.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #50 on: February 14, 2009, 09:13:32 AM »
Daddy, How was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

 The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

 Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

 As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said

Scroll down
You'll love this

You have male!!!


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #51 on: February 14, 2009, 09:20:21 AM »
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly
tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were
finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling.
Ones feet are killing one'.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. . . .
but it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'
Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! but it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got' she cried
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed
'There! Oh god that feels so good.'
In the bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said ' See
I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other she when he cried out 'Oh god darling this ones even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'that's my boy,
once a navy man always a navy man!'  


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #52 on: February 14, 2009, 09:27:30 AM »
Many 'Old Folk' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how they should present themselves. Feeling 'young' , they try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a zimmer
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts



  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2009, 09:36:06 AM »

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

To this the man politly replied.....

They forgot the German bra.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #54 on: February 15, 2009, 22:42:49 PM »
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.  
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!'  Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #55 on: February 15, 2009, 22:43:59 PM »
A man from New York was on vacation hiking through the Highlands of Cape Breton.
He came upon the nicest and tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
''Anybody home?'' he asked.
''Yep, I'm here'' came a kid's voice through the door.
''Is your father there?'' asked the New York tourist.
''Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,'' said the kid.
''Well, is your mother there?'' persisted the tourist.
''Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,'' said the kid.
''But,'' protested the Yankee, ''are you never together as a family, I'd like to meet your family?''
''Sure, anytime, but not here,'' said the kid through the door, ''This is the shithouse.''
« Last Edit: February 15, 2009, 22:44:26 PM by Zippy »


  • Guest
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« Reply #56 on: February 22, 2009, 11:36:11 AM »
Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times  sake.
He engages a  prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy  his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well  Ray, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that supposed to  mean?'

 She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
 money back!'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #57 on: February 24, 2009, 00:35:10 AM »
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the fook are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #58 on: February 28, 2009, 13:10:38 PM »
Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,  
he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 20

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den.  He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Frank, for the FIFTH FUCKIN time, CHICKEN!'


  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #59 on: March 01, 2009, 23:25:05 PM »
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he would jog past a hooker standing on the same street
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence He'd
run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband' on
his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder wha t
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better
 have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's
 eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
pounds, you tight bastard?!'


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