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Author Topic: Just a giggle...  (Read 28640 times)

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Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« on: January 29, 2009, 01:18:14 AM »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she

volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories

could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew

it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the

little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....

And before he could say 'Fookoff', the Rottweiler ate him.



Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2009, 01:22:13 AM »
Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

AND MAXINE SAYS..........  'MARVIN'



Wipe your mouth, theres still a tiny bit
of bullshit around your lips....

Maxine just had to have the last word.


Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 01:24:18 AM »
RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I' m late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'wha t do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?  A rectum stretcher?  And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? '  he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS  

 

Offline Tony

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2009, 01:46:40 AM »
i could see ya,, thought i would let ya post away tho

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Zippy

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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2009, 01:48:32 AM »
haha so ya found me  

Offline Tony

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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 02:00:55 AM »
i know  ya here!

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Zippy

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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 10:38:46 AM »
er... nope by that time I WAS in bed  

Offline Tony

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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2009, 11:02:01 AM »
you was showing on line till after 2am,,, see ya just cant get enough of me can ya!

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Zippy

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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2009, 20:48:06 PM »
spect it took time to update tony
I was in bed,  checks alarm clock.....

Offline Tony

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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2009, 22:27:36 PM »
na,, you was keepin an eye on me,, i know ya was

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Zippy

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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2009, 22:44:51 PM »
was trying to get the last post in, pretty hard thing to do eh tone lol

Offline Tony

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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2009, 22:48:29 PM »
i been trained by the best!

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Zippy

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« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2009, 18:34:09 PM »
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said,
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
 
     

Offline Tony

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« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2009, 19:39:18 PM »
had to be you who found this joke didnt it!!!





can you spare £2?

zani is a 9 year old boy living in namibia
He has only one leg, he has lost one butt cheak and also one arm, yet each day he rides 9 miles to school along road down a step hill with pot holes and bomb craters from land mines on hid bicycle with one bent wheel and one oval wheel, it has no brakes and also only has one pedal,

for just £2


we will send you the video, its fookin hilarious!

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Zippy

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« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2009, 20:32:13 PM »
you tight sod lol  

Offline Tony

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« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2009, 20:41:33 PM »
i wouldnt be where i am today if i wasnt!

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Zippy

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« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2009, 22:33:05 PM »

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.  The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi.  "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the f oreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."

"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Zippy

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« Reply #17 on: January 31, 2009, 22:35:16 PM »
GUY SAYS TO HIS  WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the  lottery?"

 Wife  replies:
 "I‚‚žÂd take half then leave you."

 Guy says:
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won Ten Dollars.          
 Here‚‚žÂs a Fiver ‚€€œ Now Fuck Off!!!

Zippy

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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2009, 21:55:18 PM »
Subject: Newspaper Adverts
These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father,
Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big
reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE . Worn once by mistake.  Call Stephanie.

And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer.  No longer
needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2009, 00:34:41 AM »
26 ways to keep your girl happy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 #1 (permalink)  
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.



2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).



3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.



4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.



5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.



6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for pu@*ies.



7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F@c@ you" and grab the other girl's a*Z. Girls love competition.



8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."



9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.



10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.



11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.



12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.



13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?



14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things.



16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.



17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.



18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.



19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.



20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a se*y cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).



21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.



22. Ti*ty twisters and plenty of them.



23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.



24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.



25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.



26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't cal  
 
 
 
     
 

Zippy

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« Reply #20 on: February 08, 2009, 20:56:23 PM »
Hell to be old!!!


 OLD people have problems that you haven't even  considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor  for a Sperm count as part

of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take  this Jar home and bring

back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the man reappeared at  the Doctor's' office and gave him the

jar, which was as Clean and empty as on  the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man  Explained, 'Well, doc, it's

like this--first I tried With my right hand, but  nothing. Then I tried

with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with

her left,  still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth

in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door  and She tried too, first


with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried  squeezing it between


her Knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your  neighbour?'


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get  the Jar open.'

Offline Leebay

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2009, 09:43:27 AM »


LDS Engineering.co.uk

Cylinder head Repairs/skimming, Engine|Brake|Suspension|Service components, Number/show plates & Custom stickers.

Kezza

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2009, 20:57:15 PM »
   

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2009, 19:14:33 PM »
pmsl :Dm

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #24 on: February 11, 2009, 19:14:49 PM »
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over.After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."  With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Zippy

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« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2009, 19:18:24 PM »
Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .
 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
--------------------------------


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
 
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
 
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
 
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
 
------------------------------------------


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
 
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
 
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle.
 
We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
 
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
 
--------------------------------------------


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
 
He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2009, 19:31:35 PM »
My surgery
 
When I first noticed that my penis was growing longer
And staying erect longer,
I was delighted, as was my wife...

But after several weeks, my penis
had grown fifty centimetres.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and
Even walking.  So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an Initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My Condition (Donkey Doodle,) could be fixed through corrective
Surgery.
'How Long will he be on crutches?' my wife asked anxiously.


'Crutches?  Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' Said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't
You?
« Last Edit: February 15, 2009, 20:39:25 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2009, 19:38:03 PM »
A man goes to a masquerade party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'  

He says, 'I'm a Fireman.'      
 
'But you're only wearing a glass jar!' says the woman.  

'Exactly! In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
« Last Edit: February 11, 2009, 19:39:42 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2009, 19:44:40 PM »
This  guy had what he thought was a great tattoo...



until he went to jail that is lol
« Last Edit: February 11, 2009, 19:48:33 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2009, 19:50:05 PM »
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the
 space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do
 women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do
 men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women
who can handle the bullsh*t


 

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