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Author Topic: Just a giggle...  (Read 28338 times)

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Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #90 on: March 14, 2009, 16:45:31 PM »
*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #91 on: March 14, 2009, 16:54:38 PM »
Some funnies in these times of crisis...
 

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday


Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon


What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
 

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic.
Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the
hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's
stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and
set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the
credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist
asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40
gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'  

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been
repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the
retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of
the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'





You know it's a credit crunch when...


The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.

There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

Highgrove has been repossessed.

Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.




Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world
economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could
throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very
happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five
£10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says:
'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten
people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and
says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole
country happy.'  



"Handwritten in ornate calligraphy using only the finest quality ink, on
50 year old parchment, made from the trees along the Zambezi River, sealed
with the finest wax from the African honey bee - this is not just any
redundancy letter, this is an M&S redundancy letter"

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #92 on: March 14, 2009, 17:26:24 PM »
Blonde Cookbook



It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper


A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway..  I can't say it improved the rice any.


Today John asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  John asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..


I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason John keeps counting to ten.
 

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #93 on: March 14, 2009, 17:28:32 PM »
John's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #94 on: March 14, 2009, 17:31:35 PM »
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John.
If I can talk John into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.


Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #95 on: March 14, 2009, 17:36:25 PM »
Doing the right thing
 
 
 An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
 
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house.  A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
 
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl.  'Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll make sure that everything is taken care of. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life, and also donate £100,000 to your bank account.
 
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £1,000,000 bank account, plus another £100,000 to your account.
 
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and £1,500,000 each, with another £500,000 to your account.
 
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
 
At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent up to that point, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You shag her again'.  
 

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #96 on: March 14, 2009, 18:14:14 PM »
The Monastery
 
 A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery
 

knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say...
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.




Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.




The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.



 
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.




The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk...
how do I become a monk?


 

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk...
The man sets about his task.



Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are=2 0371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.




The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




 Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


 
silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.




 The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


 



 But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 DON 'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
 
 
 
 
 
 

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #97 on: March 14, 2009, 18:15:47 PM »
Thats it for today.....
 
enjoy
 

Offline Mikey J

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #98 on: March 14, 2009, 23:49:27 PM »
I think with all that ammo you should do standup!  Some of those tickled me.

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #99 on: March 18, 2009, 19:29:48 PM »
Thank you Mickey  
« Last Edit: March 18, 2009, 19:30:27 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #100 on: April 09, 2009, 13:33:35 PM »
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,

The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal,  wood, stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
the king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
She will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.  He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question:  What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
















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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #101 on: April 09, 2009, 13:57:00 PM »
Irsh  Golfer

   
  A golfer playing in Ireland hooked
his drive into the woods.  Looking
for his ball, he found a little
Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh!  What happened?' the
Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,'
the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye
got me fair and square.  Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank God,=2
0you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and
I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says
to himself.

‚€¹€œI have to do something for him.  I'll give him
the three things I would want...

a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On
the same hole, he again hits a bad drive

into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the
little guy says. 'I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
 I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just
wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.

'And tell me, how's yer sex
life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away
in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's
OK.'

C'mon,
c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job.  How many times a
week?'

Blushing even more, the
golfer looks around then

whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's  all? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not
bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.'

Offline Tony

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #102 on: April 12, 2009, 22:25:13 PM »
paula i just love to pop in here and have a read

only just got to the end

tone

the 24v xr4i auto-0 to 60 in 6.71 secs

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #103 on: April 12, 2009, 22:29:07 PM »
Glad you enjoyed it

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #104 on: September 26, 2009, 16:04:34 PM »
I just read through them again, don't remember posting half of them lol

Offline Mikey J

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #105 on: September 26, 2009, 20:09:00 PM »
I'm amazed you had so many to write down.  Are they in your head or have you got reference material?  Some of them are mega funny though

Janspeedcapri

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #106 on: September 27, 2009, 09:12:50 AM »
BOOM BOOM

 

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