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Author Topic: Just a giggle...  (Read 28613 times)

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Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #60 on: March 01, 2009, 23:26:11 PM »
THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE


At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #61 on: March 01, 2009, 23:28:51 PM »
THE FRENCH AND THE ENGLISHMAN
 
Make sure you scroll down to the Map after you read the joke! Watch and
wait for the little Englishman to walk across the Map.

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble)
'We don't.  In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England '
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the
jam to England '

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France '

« Last Edit: March 01, 2009, 23:32:08 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #62 on: March 01, 2009, 23:33:47 PM »
My grandmother died in 1978, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs, like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.
 
 Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
 
 
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
 
 She answered in her soft  Newfoundland voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
 
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
« Last Edit: March 01, 2009, 23:34:30 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #63 on: March 01, 2009, 23:35:22 PM »
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.





A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!





Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x. Billy just
sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you
watching?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'





A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.'





Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
humour!'





An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what
do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your
hearing aid

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #64 on: March 01, 2009, 23:40:07 PM »
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

 Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

 As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

 The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

 Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

 For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

 Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. ..

 

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #65 on: March 01, 2009, 23:44:15 PM »
See what happens if you sleep around.......



It's  ALWAYS  the kids that suffer!!    
Her  Name is Debra !    

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #66 on: March 01, 2009, 23:45:43 PM »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.  
 
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,  'Put the beads away, Frank.  Our prayers have been answered!'

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #67 on: March 01, 2009, 23:47:46 PM »
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.' The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'

The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed'

The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog.'

The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'

The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'

The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,

'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'

The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog'

The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'

The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua! They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?????

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #68 on: March 01, 2009, 23:51:03 PM »
The Irish Millionaire


Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the
end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, 'but for a million pounds
you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.. ..... will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'Oi'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'


A:
Sparrow

B:
Thrush

C:
Magpie

D:
Cuckoo

'Oi haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so Oi'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.


'Bloody hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple....... it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm bloody sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'Oi'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'


'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris


'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then Chris Tarrant screamed, 'Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to the ir local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo dat doesn't
build its own nest?


'Because he lives in a bloody clock!'
« Last Edit: March 01, 2009, 23:52:14 PM by Zippy »

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #69 on: March 01, 2009, 23:56:47 PM »
DO YOU EAT CADBURY CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on Cadbury chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you eat Cadbury chocolate!


THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!


It could happen to you, your family and friends!!
































 



Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #70 on: March 02, 2009, 00:05:21 AM »



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'




When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'




Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
 

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #71 on: March 02, 2009, 00:25:11 AM »
A 54 year  old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the  hospital. While on  the operating table she had a near death  experience. Seeing God  she asked 'Is my time up?'

God  said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to  live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the  hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a  tummy tuck. She even  had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her  teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured  she might as well make the most of it. After her  last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While  crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an  ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought  you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of  the path of the ambulance?'

(You'll  love this)

























God  replied: 'I didn't  recognize you.'

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #72 on: March 02, 2009, 00:37:59 AM »
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

 
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three=2 0flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

 
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
 headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

 
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

 
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'

 
I LOVE THIS ONE..........


















 

 
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
 headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #73 on: March 02, 2009, 00:40:21 AM »
TRIP TO WAL-MART

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.   Forward this to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the Day!

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #74 on: March 02, 2009, 00:42:21 AM »
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .....

"Shit, I missed."

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #75 on: March 02, 2009, 00:46:58 AM »
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
 

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

 
    DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
 

 DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
 Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
 
                   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked...
 
                   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
 Today I saved 1600 lives.
 
   Twice.

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #76 on: March 02, 2009, 00:49:58 AM »
Thats it for today.....

enjoy


Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #77 on: March 06, 2009, 23:30:25 PM »
To make it stand,
You wet it.
To make it wet,
You suck it.
To make it stiff,
You lick it.
To get it in,
You push it.

Damn!

Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #78 on: March 06, 2009, 23:41:11 PM »
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves...

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long s kirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on... BTW - These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do it?      

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #79 on: March 06, 2009, 23:46:43 PM »
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  
He turned to look, a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even cl ose! r. He t ripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright ! light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
 
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"


 The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well", said the voice.

The light went out.  

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #80 on: March 06, 2009, 23:49:04 PM »
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
 
Well, he died  . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait,   just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story:  Women are cleverer than Men .....
 

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #81 on: March 06, 2009, 23:51:44 PM »
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch

Zippy

  • Guest
Just a giggle...
« Reply #82 on: March 06, 2009, 23:56:02 PM »
DID YOU KNOW

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Offline Mikey J

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #83 on: March 07, 2009, 00:14:59 AM »
LOL, except I don't know what clorox is!  Is it a baby thing?

Offline KIB

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #84 on: March 07, 2009, 11:51:47 AM »
Quote from: Mikey'J
LOL, except I don't know what clorox is!  Is it a baby thing?

I was just thinking ‚€¹€œWhat the hell is Clorox‚‚žÂ while reading the joke    
Regards                                         
Knut form Norway


Offline Chris

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #85 on: March 07, 2009, 14:49:30 PM »
Quote from: KIB
Quote from: Mikey'J
LOL, except I don't know what clorox is!  Is it a baby thing?

I was just thinking ‚€¹€œWhat the hell is Clorox‚‚žÂ while reading the joke    


Clorox is just a bleach....  and yes, it does work

Chris
IBA   15631

Offline KIB

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #86 on: March 07, 2009, 17:58:26 PM »
Bleach! Thanks, then I‚‚žÂll try it some day!!


Quote from: Mikey'J
LOL, except I don't know what clorox is!  Is it a baby thing?

Better not use Clorox on babies then Mike  
 

Regards                                         
Knut form Norway


Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #87 on: March 14, 2009, 16:32:16 PM »
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m.., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh fook' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #88 on: March 14, 2009, 16:35:53 PM »
Four german Dwarfs went to Amsterdam's red light district and hired a six foot tall prostitute..
They went to there hotel room,stripped off ,tied springs to there feet and gave her the best shag ever!!!

Its what's known in the business as


THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE

Zippy

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Just a giggle...
« Reply #89 on: March 14, 2009, 16:40:53 PM »
THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
==========================

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house  
 than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then
one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her... "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He
slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now
take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"and Now take off my thong and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said........















"If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

 

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